270406


today was a school holiday(: to celebrate the success that xinmin has.
anyway. in the morning went to my family clinic to get my finger checked. have to get this small ball on my last finger removed.. but as exmas are coming up and all. i'll have to wait till after. freaking painful.
its gonna take 2 weeks before it heals. bloopers.
anyway. mummy dropped me at the 163 busstop then i made my way to compass.
i finished! my physics! i think. was at burger king half of the time. yup
ohoh the people that was included in this study fest. -me-maylin-leon-jolin-miaoxian-fariz-shermen


280406

school was alright.
i got an a1 for my ss! WHEEE! ah just hope my luck carries through.
the funniest thing happened after school. my eyes started itching horribly. so i was scratching like there was no tomorrow. gosh.
got to amk central to meet mummy for lunch. half way thru. han suddenly tld me a had a huge mosquito bite under my eyes. BOTH EYES. way wierd. but as time progressed. the size of the bite began to grow! and it was stinging la. mummy asked me if i took the oral tablets the doctor gave. NEWSFLASH. i'm to a drug family called nsaids. GREAT. fucked up la. the medicine worked so well and now i have to stop. anyway..the doctor gace me a medicine to stop the swelling. but it took like 4 hrs for it to finally go away. dumb or wad.
so then we went to causewaypoint to get kongkongs fone change.. the old guy wants to get involved with technology these days! cool eh! so then he got a basic camara phone. and gave me his old samsung. ah better than nothing.
hehe. once the phone was made his. me and hannah took our pic and set it as his wallpaper. i was like: there kongkong. now you'll never forget us!" guess wad the old guy said!!" haha.. no need for the phone. your always in my heart." AHHH. i swore i could have melted on the spot la! coming from a 76 yr old man ok!
anyway had facial in the night..
did alot of thinking while the slow music was on..


i'v learnt that maybe its alright to be upset once in a while
but always remember theres someone out there solviing problems more complex than your own
our troubles might seem depressing. but we'v gotta learn to pick up and move on.
dont ever fall and not stand up. cox the world wont wait for you. time goes on. people laugh more.
no ones gonna stand by you to cry till you please



thinking to the positive side

things may not seem well
but always put a smile on your face.
cox only that will get you through your day



the smile that fixes everything

no mood but i'll try


these few days have been ok..
210406

went for dawn jie's ah-ma's pocession. sad. then after that went for family dinner at westlake..
had fun there talking to rae. (:

then got home and had a bit of fun with ryan.. shealyn yiyi's son.

220406

spent the morning at home.. then in the afternoon went to east coast with uncle dillian shealynn yiy and ryan.

spent some time cycling. then sat along the beach.. was watching some guys playing on the beach. HOT after that left for holland village to go to chachacha for mexican food. then had a very bad stomache ache. for god knows wad reason.. went to tuayi's house for coffee and chocs.. then home.



i'v been trying to look on the brighter side of life these few days.. changing my way of life.
but somehow i see no progress.
maybe my life is meant to be a dead end.
or maybe i should start looking for something new





your honestly killing me. i'm breaking

iay ooklay taay ouyay ithway ueationingqay yeseay. iay annaway nowkay oremay.

its been a long time. anyway.




i'm feeling so lost now. every breath i take in now feels like i breathed in a whole gallon of carbon monoxide. yet i dont die. school's freaking me out. exams are drawing near. and i'm not confident of myself. boo.life is just difficult. every step i take is a risk. who knows what would happen if you turned around and wait. or walked a step ahead.


on tuesday.. mommy told me something. she said my i missed my dad's birthday. ): i guess i have been taking it for granted all these years.. he used to call me to ask if i remembered. and i always claimed i did. now things are different. no more calls from him. no more daddy's love.
I BLAME MYSELF. for not treasuring the phone calls by him in the past. now i sit and wait by the motionless phone. i want to call him i do. but i dont want to seem desperate. he's let me down and thats the way it is. he should be making up to me. and not the other way round.
does he take me for granted? like a doll.. just to be toyed around. i never knew i'v been hurting so much. i never knew i treasured the love i once had.i feel like breaking down evrytime i see a happy family walk by me. i feel the loss. i need a daddy. SELFISH SELFISH ME.

i cant cope

i know i'm supposed to be studying and all. but i keep forgetting my books la!
and i'm so paranoid by my other problems.
there's so much going on in my mind . its so hard to concentrate.
got 20/25 for POA today. not bad la. but i think i could have done better if i studied for it. ):




i'm giving up.
letting go of this endless struggle
i think the brightside is not responding to me
its a cowardly but one way act.




this is so hard.
it aint easy to do.
maybe i shud give it time.
i cant afford time):




i'v come to the end of the road. time to let it go

150406

the play yest was quite ok.. but i think pastor dominique was doing too much talking.. i knew where he was coming from .. from i got kindda boring..

then we went back to tuayi's house to get ready for dinner.. and we were cracking our heads on where to go for dinner. decided on marche.

when uncle richard got home, he put down his work stuff and off we went!

dinner was good.. had crayfish a baked potato and for dessert mixed berry crepe.

by the time we were leaving it was already 10.30pm and so tuayi offered to fetch hannah to yiyi's place. and i was left all alone at home.. blooping blopper. scary la.
then had competition in the morning where it al went wrong.


i'm feeling rotten la. i'v upset 4 people.
i put in all my best for the throw and yet didnt cross over the qualifications. i felt like a marshmallow out there. :( then mrs wong asked me if i still wanted to continue with nationals. cox at the rte i'm going i doesnt seem like i can make it.. i could'nt look at her la. it was so shameful. so much for the last 3 yrs.. at least i'v got time to sort it out. SORRY MRS WONG.

next, at homecoming , as i was busy frying ice-cream. someone must have put their filthy hands into my bag and stolen my wallet. all my savings and cash in there. my heart just felt numb the moinute i realized it was missing la. i'v upset mummy over this. being the careless me. SORRY MUMMY. and because of the loss of my wallet, i had to cancel with my darling out outing. and this is the second time. SORRY MAYLIN.
and lastly i'v upset myself completely. by proving what an absolute rotten person i actually am.
and here i apologize to myself.

sarah, i'm sorry for upseting you in all aspects.
i'm sorry for my false hopes.
i'm sorry for making sucha big deal out of everything.
i'll try to change.. i PROMISE SORRY SARAH
maybe i dont deserve a sorry

have i said sorry so many times. so much so it has lost its meaning?







you'v dissapointed me yesterday.
i expected so much more.
maybe you thought the small gestures counted.
no. you'v truely let me down.
my eyes are played




melanie and shauna! thank you so much!

140406


yea. so the days past really quickly.
first you wake up in the morning feeling moody and all. then the next thing you know your asleep.

bah. i dont know whats happening to me la. but i'm getting moodswings at home ever so often!

anyway. todays goodfriday. :) and i'm going for eater play at trinity at adam with tuayi and uncle richard followed by a hopeful dinner then home.

before that, the wonderlicious me will be sending my sis to novena square for tution.
and thats how i'm gonna spend my day.






its breaking me into a million pieces i swear.
something so delicate. i know i'll be ever so happy if you were my property.
if i could just put my chop on you. but then i ask myself. what will happen after that? will
there be a progress? wad fucking outcome will there be? maybe what i'm wishing might be better off
as a fantasy written in a fairltale book.
till then let me assume my fantasy. you will be mine





LOVE IS SUCH A DELICATE THING

been busy with the homecoming banner and now its finally done! thanks for the mania advice jeremy..

130406

classes were quite ok.. mr lee dint come again..
gah. i'v got no fucking mood to do this la.
anyway. wads half done and to be done.
after school spent time in class doing up the rest of the banner.
then left half way for track.
went back to class to help the guys clear up, :)
the moment of happiness




i dont know what to do.
mummy says to let it go. but i really cant.
though i know the more i hold on the more hurt i will be.
its as if this situation is buried down in my heart and tugging it at every possible opportunity.
its such a cryable situation.
i cant go on




heres a message to you baby.
i need you to know how hard this is for me
i never felt so intruged by someones presence before
i dont know why. but my nites seem empty. why? i cant answer
maybe cox your there in the mornings and afternoons.
fucking shit. i dont know where this is leading me to.
should i say GOODBYE LOVE?







LET BASTARDS BE BASTARDS

100406


WHOO!!! its been a long time!! anyway.. stayed back after school to day to put up the homecoming posters and to start on the banner. went to the library..then watched the play put up by the library.. i dint quite enjoy it though..

in the evening, mummy picked us up then went to novena square for dinner.. bot quite a few things.. hannah bot her tennis bag and i bought a water bottle my new addidas fragrance and a few other things.


110406


today was quite fun :)) class was quite good actually. then had track.. had sprints then gym. but half way through gym mr singh came in and started talking to us. LOL. lost all intrest in gym la! talked bout so many things. eg. shauna's fear for dogs. and how i used to take ballet. haha!! then mr singh called me a siaw char bo!! gah! i could not believe it la!

after track went to get excuse slip frm mr singh for saturday.. then he was like. here's a riddle. how many track and field girls does it take to cut i piece of paper? 2. one to hold and the other to cut. lame la! but it was damn funny then.
walked to hougang point with mel to pick up her contacts then saw leelaoshi. :)





i'm bothered. how can i go on living like this? its so painful. barely there.
its tearing me into a million pieces.
yet while its in action i feel so light and want the moment to last forever.
why does it have to be so taxing.
i have my right. but what if my rights are not right

rain rain and rain. exactly how i feel. moody dark and gloomy. i think i'v been decieving myself all this while. i feel so lost. i feel so shitty rite now. like i'm lost in a whirlpool. i need some directions la.



i'm standing in the cold.
everything is said and done
atomic winter in my soul
from the absence of the sun.
the only remedy i know.
is that i'v got to let it go.



i need to cheer up. everyone gimmi a smile pls : 1

020306


phew:) woke up late today. mummy had to tickle my feet to wake me up. trust me. when it comes to my feet. i'll scream. spent the morning rotting away in the room. LOL. then went outside to eat breakfast.. then ironed clothes.

got ready then left house to go meet tuayi's clients. got there early. so mummy went to a floral shop then got a bouqet of flowers. :)) and i had the pleasure of passing to the customers. so happy la! those people are so nice! they hugged me and said i was sweet. whOOTS! the food at PREGO was unbelievably good la! especially the pizza. ate so much please! then yiyi and rae had to go to church so they left baby with us. walked round abit then went home. started raining heavily!! my gosh. like snow la it looked! then the thunder. i almost cried.

then went thomson plaza wif mummy tp pick up dinner. now waiting for dinner.

SMELL IT! YUM!

310306

MARCH

the last day of march!!

got to school pretty early today. why i go to school early is beyond me. anyway.
school was. quite ok. classes werea bit boring but whatever. bad news. leelaoshi's not teaching us anymore. instead cailaoshis taking over. ARH THE HORROR! and just as i tot my life was getting better. gah. o well.. got 75% for ss. i think i could have done better. but at least its an improvement. :) after school met wenyi ..watched them do their npcc drills. LOL SO CUTE! it got quite stuffy so i went back into the canteen.

left at 2+ to go amk hairlaw. walked out wif hongrui. and omg la! my fone dropped into a drain! embarassin or what! damn it la! i was so scared my fone would like break into peices or something. lol. then waited for 159 but gave up so took a cab instead.

9.pm episode has ended! sad


here goes again.
pops i'm missing you like i'v never missed you before
though i wont deny i'm still FURIOUS.
but you know all i need is a fathers hug and those three meaningful words to tell me you still care for me
and that i'm not forgotten.
everynite i wait for hannah to tell me poppa called. but no
whye? is it cox your to caught up with your wife?
or are you really dead.
all i need is to live another month without a fathers love and i really do believe thats the end.
i dont need your actions pops. just to hear you say you love me means alot.ALOT
please fulfill my wish.