not a good day at all.
first. rained in the morning.. class was quite ok la. just slacked around alot.. then had axes day.
followed by free periods and recess.
bad stuff during free periods.
dont wish to elaborate.. but thanks meijun, joy , charmiane, boonhing, jeremy teo and jing hui. and sorry leon..
met at orchard for akilah and the bee.. real good movie.. din really enjoy myself today la..
company was good. but there were blocks in my heart..
shall talk about it when i have the mood

time

the scariest thing on earth. you dont know what would happen the next second.
whether it would be good or bad.



all i really want now is to be able to pass these last 2 days without breaking down as much as i did today. i dread time. i dread school i dread you.
today has been one of the worst days of my life. i passed each second with my heart being crashed and invaded one too many times.
honestly wtf do you take me for? some kind of toy you play around with?
what? you use me as a sponge to absorb all you queries and worries then expect me to squeeze them out and not remember anything after that?
your fucking messing me up now u asshole.
think about it. i was a nice clean sponge. then had to absorb all your dirty water and clean you up. then when your cleaned and left with no stain, you squeeze your dirt out of me. sorry but the memories remians no matter wad. look at me now. i'm a fucking filty and disgusting peice of junk now.
i'v had enough of these tortures. yes i'v tried soo many times to stop it. but it aint working man. when did this happen? i tot i had this secured with u. have i been to fucking hell naive?
i dont think so. you made it seem i could trust you. you made it seem you were gonna be there for me to share my worries. i still remember that fucking sentance you said once upon a time. true to this day i dont know. maybe you think i would just let it go like that. well face it asshole. NO. i am not gonna let you make use of me.
all these while i'v kept quite and prayed you would someday realize.i'v dropped too many tears for you. how long are you gonna make me fucking do this.

sister and me with orange peels in our mouths!! HOHO!

heres me and my darling konkong.. dinner last night

i completely dreaded today. and all the worst stuff happened.
first there was the stupid axes day dance.. forced us to dance class by class. shit la.
then was fucking poa test which i'll fail no questions ask. wth is provision for doubtful debt??
then was english.. lost my concentration so was laughing alot. got told off by mdm yurni. psh.
math again couldnt concentrate. then had ss common test. even worse. i wrote a whole page full of fucking crap. it was like a made up story of total defence and diplomatic ties. wadever la. and when i thought the worst was over, after lunch at kfc with meijun went for tution and the worst thing was that there was not tution!!! i bloody hell sat there for 30 whole minutes b4 teacher irene told me my tution teacher had exams and had cancelled fucking tution.
excuse me for my vulgarities but this has been one of the worst days in the semester. not a good start to the fucking week.

i'v given up just standing here and waiting for the impossible.
my heart sinks at any signs of abnormality. not even before thinking of the cause.
i'v given up of me controlling my life.
let things go the way they want. i dont care. i wana be as innocent as a baby. not knowing what would happen the next second.


i'v given up living life the way i want it to be

got me new phone~! samsung-d510. beeeyootiful!!

ok anyway.. went to ikea in the morning yesterday to get our curtains.. then had branch.. next went to angmokio to get new phones.. me-mentioned above mummy-sonyerricsonw700i or something like that.. ok the reason why she got this replacement is cox her freaking lg chocolate got stolen by the cleaners!!! %&*&*%^$. ok then headed off for ballet. i can keep up now!!! miss mccully placed me between 2 pointe dancers so i could follow their arabesque lags. SCARY then chirstopher came in and had to stand behind me. that was effing scary. i could feel myself improving la!! oh and the cutest thing is that we were dancing to the christmas theme!! haha! so it was like so funny!! all the we-wish-you-a-merry-christmas thinggys! then miss mccully asked one of the seniors to come correct my arabesque leg. OUCH OK. the kept telling me to turn out from the groin. like duh i havent danced in 2 friggin years! you can just expect me to turn the groin liddat. wtf. it was soo painful! and now my back is swollen and legs are numb. pssshh. the kinda suffering i go through. o well at least miss mccully was trying to help. hoho.
then after that was dinner with aunty sally.. went to this nonya-buffet place at bugis. yummy! me and hannah were playing with the orange peels. HAHAH took a few hilarious fotos!! will post it up when my bluetooth device arrives back from rotting on my mothers desk in her office. :/
ok today.. woke up at 8++am good good sleep. yay. then went down to have breakfast with mummy by the pool and it started raining. so we got stuck there. now i'm trying to squeeze in some socialstudies notes for tomorrow. duh not gonna worl but o well.
family dinner in the evening.
tests tomorrow:
poa- sure fail. wtf is bad/doubtful debts?
socialstudies- trying my best. but forgot to bring home textbook.

so you see my chance of passing these 2 test is like 1%.
goodbye studies

PHYSICS TEST TOMMOROW.



and i'm still not studying. gah wads the problem with me!!
went to little india with meijun to get ther brows done.. for free
and almost got knocked down by a huge huge lorry. but meijun saved me muahahaha.
then went back to school kopitiam to meet the rest of the clique. mooack.
had chocolate waffle then went to library.
thats all.

yep i know i posted earlier heh. but i'm just a bit pissed with what singapore idol is doing.
"vote wisely", "your voting for your singapore idol", "remember this is a singing competition","spend each vote wisely","we will show no more faces on these trailers"
it is sooo damn it obvious this messages are directed at poor joakim. fine he cant sing. but one day when singapore realizes this fact and knows that we dont want someone with weak vocals to be the singapore idol, it will naturally come for joakim to leave idol. i'm sure everyone agrees that those messages are meant to redirect all the joakim fans to cut down on voting for him. him having weak vocals does not give anyone the rights to humiliate him and to make him feel so awkward and guilty when he proceeds on to the next round! think about how he's feeling. you can see from his face he knows he has the weakest vocals. he knows he doesnt deserve this place as much as those with better vocals. he may want to stay in the competition yes, (duh he joined this competition to win but if the judges dont agree then why even pick him from the auditions?), everyone would. but its the fans that votes. he din beg them to vote. he din threaten or anything of that sort. in fact the look on his face when he wasnt in the bottom 3 tonight was just prove that he knows he's not the best.pure shock was what he displayed on his vote-earning face. but i guess the producers of those horribly insulting trailers never thought that he has no control on the voting matters! all he can do is to sing his best on each night and then leave the rest to the screaming-joakim-girls to do their best in supporting him! and i do not fault them for voting for him. when you are a fan of something or someone, no matter what happens to him, how badly he does for the performance, his fans will still be his fans! no change! nobody really considers joakims feelings. how unhappy when he knows the trailers are meant for him. how awkward he feels when he gets the green lights to go on to the next round. he's having a hard time. no need for any trailers to make him feel worse. its just unfair.

i guess this competition is becoming really fan-based. the only way it would work would be if the fans mingle with each other and if more people care to vote. if not this will become a popularity contest between paul, jasmine and joakim. and they arent that strong in singing.
all i want to make clear in this post is that the treatment joakim is recieving is really harsh as he really has no control over how many votes he gets.

todays school was fine.. (:
i'v got cip on saturday flagday and i'm so not going. no way. i'm not gonna ruin my plans. and on sunday i'v got cip again. wad am i? i community freak? 2 days in the row they expect me to do cip? NO WAY. oh well but i'm going for sundays. walk-a-jog.
after school went to hougang with maylin to meet wenyi.. then meijun joined us later.. had kfc. and i ate allloooot. walked around a bit, bought myself a pair of earstuds. yay. then came back home.

ok i'm off to suffer. goodbye

AND IF I DIE. WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW THE CAUSE?


i'm sick of my life.
i'm sick of me.
i'm sick of you.
i'm sick of the tears.
i'm sick of hurting.
i'm sick of your ways.
i dont understand me.
i dont understand you.
i dont understand how.
i dont understand why.
i dont understand love. i dont think i ever will.
i dont understand why tears roll down.
i dont understand devotion.
heart burns.
heart aches.
heart beat.
heart wrench.
heart pain.
bitter me.
bitter you.
bitter love.
bitter pain.
bitter-ness.
and after all is said. i hate to admit i still love you.

here i go (:

waited for wenyi at the busstop for sooo long this morning goodness.
then walked like mad cows to the usual place. LOL.
the others were already walking towards school.
so wenyi! please be early or 2o down!!
frisbee again during pe.. my group wasnt really cooperating and that caused us to recieve a very heartwrenching lecture from mr tay. felt quite bad after that:/ i mean there he is trying to make things as enjoyable for us and we just let him down like that sorry
had poa test no confidence.
after school rushed straight home to get ready for tution.
got there just in time.
first half of the lesson was serious study. then me and andrea started crapping again HAHA!!
i rate today 4/10 for reasons not to be shown here.


here i am trying to hold on. yet it hurts more and more as i embark on this pointless journey
stop playing with me

PEEKABOO!!

its no surprise my butts aching

went to bed late last night.. (: stayed up listening to music and reading my book. me time
had to wake up at 6.30am for morning walk with mummy.. since the friday eastcoast thing was cancelled we went today instead.. it was preety ok.. had macdonalds for breakfast. geeeshh i have to start dieting again. horror
mummys sleeping now. hah! lazy woman it was just 2 hours of walking !!
who knows what we'r gonna do today..

newsflash: i'm going to give myself 1 month to increase my flexibility. all the ballet girls can do perfect splits while i'm only half way there.

wanted to go to pizzahut for lunch.. but we found out the branch at angmokio was closed down. boomba. so ended up eating me beloved chickencutlet
then walked around abit.. mummy dropped me off for ballet<3
i found out that i'm actually gradeless now. lol i'm gonna going through 2 yrs of intensive non-syllabus class
year 1: on bloch shoes without pointes.
year 2: i'll get to go on pointes!!!!
saw a few of my seniors today using the pointe shoes. beauuutiful!! it looked so perfect!!
well according to my other dance mates, pointes are gonna hurt. but who cares! i'm gonna go onto pointes in 1 year!!!
was really lagging behind in class today.. i'll catch up (:
after class went to popular with my new found friends hoho!! forgot their names except for one. sumin and i dont even know if i spelt it correctly. anyway.. we walked around thomson plaza.. haha quite a cute bunch.. ranging from pri6 to sec1 and maybe more?? i'll find out next week. muahaha
gonna wake up tomorrow with aching buttocks and legs again :/ but its all worth it. i get my weekly dose of exercise from it.
then came home and ate pizza hut!!!


not that i dont know how important you are to me. i just feeling lost without your presence.
emptyness within me you know. and nobody would understand it ):

the outing last night was funny..
mummy decided to go towning instead of walking in east coast.
since she hasnt been on public transport in sucha looong time.. i decided i'll introduce it to her.
boy did she embarress me!! she started with. "how do i tap the ez-link? which side??"
so i calmly told her "anyside mummy anyside will do" so when the bus came and we boarded, she shot right to the back so the three of us could sit together. then i took out my mp3 to let her listen to a song. and then halfway through she started a conversation. and she was talking so loudly cox the earpieces were still in her ears!!! so i softened the volume.. then she decided the bus ride was very bumpy and she was comlpaining so loudly!! i had to tell her so many times that this isnt a car and everyone could hear her!! hoho she looked embarresed. well thats a bus ride with an inexperianced woman. -.-
went to galleria cox mummy wanted to go to the cosmetic department.. i got kinda pissed off then.
walked to wheelock to have dinner at a jap restaurant. wonderful food. whoooo
then went to borders.. bought 2 books (: had a chat with wenyi over the phone and then my phone vibrated.

my spirits are lifted. (:
yesterday
went to kk for my ultrasound. doctor says everythings normal (: whee.. but they cant find the problem.. no choice gotta keep a dairy of the pain.. going back after 6 mths to see if anything can be done. bleah.

today
i dropped the magic wand baen gave me. AHH
was walking so quickly to meet maylin as i though i was late.. got the the void deck only to realize she wasnt there !! then i realized the loss of my beloved magic wand ): no more star waves for me. finally my dear girl arrived. changed our bags back and then i passed her my heels have fun walking in them darling finally meijun came and we walked to school.
school was so-so today. not good not bad. was supposed to stay back for mr lee but i ran!!
hoho the feeling was great
went for lunch with wenyi. (: funfun
will be going for a walk later at east coast park with mummy
maple do forgive me for neglecting you

i'm so fucking angry at myself la.
moodswings are occuring ever so often.
i know i'm stupid i know i'm dumb.
i know i should tell you how i feel. but i never will. i'm seriously the most stupidestTEST fucking weak and irritating person i know.
the anger i have in me towards myself i outrageous. how i wish i could stab myself to death. HONSETLY. yet at the same time i tell myself to think if the happy times. i'v become so short tempered. flaring up at the smallest things and making everyone around me suffer with my moods. who the fuck do i think i am. where did the ever so happy and worry free me go to? am i changing because of this love?
i know i should force myself to bloody give up. this is affecting me so badly. i carry this burden with me everywhere. i never get a break. doesnt anyone sympathize with me??

yesterday was probably one of the happiest days in sucha long time (:
school was ok cept for mrs low nagging at us again..
my heart dropped when i realized u werent there.
followed may to her clinic at toapayoh to get mc for her rashes..
then headed home with hannah's lunch..
bathed then went out !!
had lunch at j8 with may and meijun.. then meijun left us..
walked around j8 for a bit.. then went to marina square..
it was soooo fun !! enjoyd myself so much.
before going home , we had gelato. some peanut flavour for me and mint choc for my dearest maylin.
kinda lost our way cox we couldnt find the busstop. haha..
finally decided to take a bus to ang mo kio..
then the bestest thing happened. my hp vibrated. shouldve seem the smile on my face. heehee
went to meet mummy then we left for the restaurant..
the food was good. a total of about 12 of us..
after dinner headed to uncle peters place to cut cake..
arh. i hope i stay this happy. (:

i'v been waiting for 3 hours. praying you'll come online.

this has been one of the most painful days.
i wanna cry. but the tears just wont fall. ):

not in the best of moods today ):
first thing in the morning had the loongest assembly in the history of this week. (though its only monday. gshh wad rubbish)
had frisbee during pe again..
went for lunch with my darlings.. mee poking again.
then took bus with maylin to tution..
tution was surprisingly good today. had alot of fun chatting away with andrea and the other girl..
took all the pain away.



i hate this so much.
love was never meant to hurt.
yet now. its taking over my life. tearing and biting me into the smallest vermin. then stubbing me till i dissapear.
all these 6 months in silence. but now i'v fallen way too deep. let go? i'm sorry i cant.
though its hurting so fucking much. i cannot imagine myself giving up.
your are the air i breathe. the rays from the sun. the water i drink. you keep me alive. you motivate me.
but now i'v realized its too much. everything i do i think of you. this is obessesion.

to you: just the orange blinks msn gives me to show your talking to me makes my heart race.
once you start talking everything else goes away. i go dizzy when i think of you.
noone knows how much inlove with you i am.
just one sentance from you can make my day.
you control my feelings.
you are me.

ok.. thursday night went for the drama fest. (:
mh, ml and wy came over to get dressed up first. then we took lovely lovely neoprints !!
couldnt really understand the play, so left during the interval..
i aprreciate the effort the eldds put in though..
well then a group of us traveled to town to walk around a bit.

friday.
had a huge huge fight in the morning with mommy.
cried my way to school. thanks babes for cheering me up.
mel, meijun, maylin, joy, wenyi. thanks jer too for giving me the oh so worthy advice. lol
things are better for me and mummy now. though i think it will never be the same. oh well.
after school went for lunch with my blingsters and somehow persuaded maylin to pon training. HOHO. went to punggol end.. fun fun fun. then went to macs for a drink.
got home and found out i'd have to spend my friday night alone at home ):
did alot of thinking..

today.
will for going for ballet at 5.30pm.. all the best to me



i'm getting so sick of this endless worries.
holding on for so long doesnt seem to benefit me. yet why am i so persistant.
love was meant to be a beautiful thing. not something that hurts

how do i explain this feeling?
feeling as though a huge knot in your heart is constantly being pulled tighter and tighter.
you walk with the pain. you talk with the pain. you sit with the pain. you breathe with the pain.
it never goes away.
what do i do to lessen this misery?
people have been telling me to let it out. confess my feelings.
but i never will. i'm too much of a wimp.
firstly i'm afraid of the rejection. and secondly the aftermath.
some say nothing will happen and everything will go on fine.
but to me i dont think it will ever be the same. what would go through his mind?would he start avoiding me?
i'm not contented with things now. but what else can small little me do?
i resort to blogging to let my feelings out. everything i look at links to him
how stupid can i get?
note to self:
sarah your such an idiot. you know you can never let this out. you know your hurting. but what can you do? i'm waiting for death