everything i dreaded has come true.
i thought i was just being plain foolish. i thought i could trust.
but the tears i shed over tha last 2 days has totally proven me wrong.
though i never expected things to tuen out this nasty.
for months we talked.. about anything under the sun. each time i sign on,
constant fear grew in me. i was afraid you'd keep silent. but you didnt.
that was what urged me on. that was what kept me from giving up.
yet now, things turn out this way.
so youv cosied yourself with someone else. finding ways to avoid me yet giving hope at the same time.
what is this? just give me a yes or a no. i refuse in betweens.
i'v decided the end is coming. no more fast beating hearts, no more hopes for something better.
youv showed me you'v had enough of me as a friend. and that hurt me enough.
goodbye. though i dont know how long it will take for it to finally activate.
i'm going back to where i belong. lonely, alone, retarded.
i know this means i'm losing, but thats what i have to do instead of getting hurt even deeper.
time will heal the wounds. but i know the scars will still remain.
the next few weeks are gonna hurt like fuck

OK LIKE MY FACE IS BURNT. :/


my face is burnt ): ok not the whole face. but parts of my face are now dry-ish and a bit groggy looking cox my facial lady over did the elctronic treatment. like wth la. irritating

oh well moving on to other things.
woke up kinda late today. haha. watch stairway to heaven for awhile.
then started chemistry revision. whaha. i'v only got 2 more chapters to go. air and water which i'm intending to finish latest by tomorrow. then i'm done with chemistry!!
ordered mcdonalds via mcdelivery for lunch (: lunch-ed with sister while watching more of stairway to heaven muahaha watched disc 7 again. wadeva. hah. k then continued studying and msn-ing.. uploading songs into my mp3 ladidaladadi
then went out for dinner.
toapayoh lor 8 to visit mummy's childhood neighbourhood. LOL. then shopped around in the provision and hardware stores. and it was quite productive ok!! i was thinking like oh gross. no clothes or anything. but i managed to get a pink nail clipper!! muahaha!! and clips and hair-ties. ohoh and permenent markers to doodle on my table. =D yay. so now i'm happy. or not who knows what would happen in the next few hours or so :/ thats life

i just blow up again. screamed at hannah cox i was in a bad mood. somehow i feel guilty. but it was partially her fault too. i hate her guts. i hate the fact she takes me not as a bigger sister but someone to boss around and make fun of. where is her sense of respect? where have the status elder sister gone to?
yet i know i'v set a bad example. flaring up just cox something in my life has just turned topsy-turvy. but i guess no one can feel the sense of confusion and frustration i feel. i wanna cry. i want people to wipe my tears and tell me its ok. listen to me and help me through my misery. but noone gets it. no matter what i say, all they console me with are words that dont take the right effect. i appreciate that they try. i wanna tell them whats wrong. but i'm just too embarrased. cox i know nothing can help. i know i never had never have or never will have the courage to face up to it. i'v never been more pathetic.

SEE WHAT I FOUND!!! TEEEHEEEE!!!

ok b4 i start on my uploading of long-lost-but-still-loved pictures.. lets updat abit yea.

so 240906
met sherman wenan and leon at mac for some supposed to be study. but no progress ): ended up going to arcade and all. psshh. oh and i even had to fork out money to buy bubble tea for them. like thats so wrong. TSK. oh well. then they decided to play basketball. so we walked to boonhing, followed by wenan's house then finally the basketball court. and my legs were aching!!!
tried studying a bit.. while the played.. did experimantal techniques. wheets!! haha! then tried to shoot a few times into the hoop. i did it after like 10 throws. haha!! o well. i was bored la. but quite fun to watch them run after balls. hah.
then bus-ed back to hougang mall with leon then home.
ps: i din eat anything the whole day. ah! so had a packet of maggiemee latelate at night. it scream F.A.T.S!! who cares.

haha. ok today was a day of total kuku-ness.
no pe in the morning!! yay!!
then had poa test. the only bummer. ate lormee during recess. one of the few times i had appetite. haha! got hit on my backside my akmal!!!dumb ass used the home section of the newspaper and hit really hard. i ought to mention it was quite a thick roll. dont under-estimate the home section k!it was damn painful. and still is. then home sweet home.

ok now back to my photonization.













me and sister snorkeling in thailand!! (:









me and rae during family dinner











me and babys(:











penguin!!

notgoodnotgoodnotgood.

i devote part of my life to waiting for something so impossible.
i know its dumb.


( say goodbye to long posts until after exams. haha! sarah needs to study!!)

HOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOW.

so much to say. but there are no words.


DEAD.

POOTY DARLING!!! HAPPY 7TH MONTH!!! LOVING YOU 24/7!!



met maylin at 88 bus stop today..
school was dreadful. i hatehatehatehatehate school like crazy.
never hated it so much before.
reasons are here:
1) exams are like so approaching yet dumbbell me still refuse to go into study mood. like wtf.
2)waking up in the morning just spoils it even more.
3) i'm really sick of living my life like that.
i dread walking into the school compound mostly because of you. why do we drift so much? oyu give me so much hope when we talk online, but once we come to the true test, face-to-face everything just shrivals up to itszy pieces. IHATEYOU

i'm bacckkk.
ok so saturday. FLAG DAY. oh i wish i never have to do that again..
well.. met maylin at her house busstop then took a freaking cold bus to kovan to meet irene pooty wenyi and nicole.. supposed to report to school by 8.00 but we got there at only 8.20. waahaa. talka bout being fashionably late. tsktsk
k then we headed off to j8. got my first generous contribution in the bus. this boy gave me $1!! muahaha not a bad start la..

got wierd stares from alot of people. but there were some generous donations too..

least generous: 5cents
most generous: $10!!

right.. then went back to school to give back the tins , went for lunch. then 163-ed home with may (:
reached home at alomst 3 so decided to go for ballet straight frm home. was standing right at the front for barr work!! omg. i was so nervous i that i had no one to reassure me of my moves! so i had to like really crack my brain and make myself remember the steps.. then got told off by miss mccully for not pulling up properly during portdebras.. ): oh well.
all that hard work yesterday has resulted in me having serious body aches today.

sunday

ok slept late last night.. made videos with baby jann. haha!! damn cute!
so slept like 12.15 and got up around 10.15..
then slacked the day away, did some math, watched a korean movie..
then went for dinner, now home.


ps: dreading school tml ):

these few days have been a roller-coaster ride of emotions..
i cant decide if i'm supposed to be happy or sad. shall elaborate more in my next post cox i'm rushing for ballet. muahaha!!


ok so thursday.. hmm
ok.. went for lunch with darlings.. mee pok (:
then went back school and went to the artroom with maylin, wenyi and pooty had a heart to heart talk with may and decided i should look to the brighter things in life. though there doesnt seem to be any..after that went back.. hannah fell sick so she left fir yiyi's place..
was feeling real bad , grumpy, confused and all..
cried buckets and buckets. i think i'v never cried that much for a person b4..
anyways.. thanks jeremy for those advices.. i'll try my best.
spent the nite rotting away like a dumb-ass.

friday.
wasnt any better though i tried to forgert all the horrible things that happened right in front of my eyes.. after that, went for lunch.. then art room with wenyi, irene, pootpoot. helped mdm sai clear her drawer. (stole a cow clip and 2 straw hearts from her drawer. muahaha i bet you she doesnt even know.) well then went home.. got ready to go yiyi's house.. had a tearful dinner. kept crying. and i hope no one saw.. then slacked around then slept..


ps: will update more about today tml.. in late for ballet . ooopps

nothings improving. i swear.

my condition with ______ ___ is completely not going anywhere.
my books are still left untouch.
my heart is still breaking every second of the day.
i wish i could just avoid these problems.
yet i have to face up to them everyday.
and i fucking hate it.



ok.. today spent my time in class rotting away like a dumbass
i was laughing alot alot alot. hoping that would at least ease the pain. but noooo. all it did was to make my colgate burnt lips crack and hurt even more. oh well that was school. moreover, my stupid idiot stomache cramps made the day a hell lot worse.
after school went to compass with maylin , pooty, meijun, and irene though pooty and irene din have lunch with us.. then halfway through meijun left.. so me and may walked around compass as usual then went into minitoons to look at my cow purse and after much consideration and weighings of pros and cons i decided to invest in the hairy pouch. yea. so i hope you sense my fucking devotion then took 163 (: to thomson plaza.. brough may to see my ballet place, walked arounf a bit then left for tution.

i miss mummy


HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOOMN HING!! HOPE U LIKE THE PRESENT (: HAPPY DAYS AHEAD.

all i need is one last blow. then its off to the heavens i go. (or maybe hell)


to start things off. SCREW FUCKING MSN. ok not that i dont appreciate the wonderful programme that connects us humans through words. but anyway. msn was screwed about 1/2 an hour ago. 6.50pm?? sumthing like that. tried signing in at least 5 times b4 msn finally decided to accept my attempts to sign in. to my surprise, there were very very very little people online. thus showing the msn problem did not only occur on my side.
and because of this _ ____ ____ __ ______ ___. annoying my blanks. i know. but i cant poosibly tell u my secret. i'm now hopelessly awaiting ______ ___ __ ____ ______. but i doubt it would happen. wtf.

ok waking up was fine for me since i was kinda looking forward to seeing my friends in school. but the walk to the bus stop was terribly hot and that fucking spoilt my mood.
then during pe got told off by that bitch mr gabrial tay again. ok i know he's a guy, but he doesnt even qualify to be called a jerk. bitch sounds like a more fitting noun to describe him. well that spoilt my day enough. felt rotten all through the day..
after school went lunching with wenyi, pooty and meijun. kfc.
then after that went for tution.. on the bus did alot alot alot of thinking. but nothing came to terms. infact i feel worse now.
the only thing that cheered me up was the heartious talk about a topic with momo bobo ragu azmail and joni..




its already so painful that it was silent all morning. me looking forward to today was a total mistake.
all through the day i felt like a complete idiot. had i not turned around at that point of time, i may not be hurting as much as i am now. yes, i would be oblivious to the fact that that scene had to occur. but at least i would not be so affected by it. the moment i turned around i just wished i never did. my soul left my body. it was the most painful moment of these 7 months.there was never once in these period of you did i never want to look at you again. but today, i just wished you never existed. i wished that i never even liked you. for this once, i wished i could just stay at home and be lonely. i dont care if i have no love. i'd rather live a simple life just devoting al the love i have to memeME. i understand it was just a communication between friends. but that left me wondering wad i am to you. why din you bother with me. the only thing that broke our silence was school work as usual. but heeeecccckkkkkkkk wad are you doing?? is it out of respect or do u honestly not bother about me anymore. your driving me nuts. i need need NEED you to know. come and cure me .












WOULD ANYONE PLEASE COME UP WITH A KNIFE AND STAB IT INTO MY HEART. I'LL BE VERY GRATEFUL. THANK YOU.

I'M HAVING A DAY FROM HELL. AND I NEED TO STOP THIS TEMPTATION TO SCREAMM.


yester day sent mummy off at the lobby. there she goes 11 whole days without my mummy to nag at me. ohh how i'll miss that. not. but seriously.. how am i gonna live 11 days without my mother??
anyways
came back up then slacked abit.. sat around thinking about my pathetic life. then left for ballet..
after ballet instead of going straight home went to yiyi's house for dinner.. had prawns and kfc chicken ohoh and soup.. then went down to the playground.. funfun. acted like a fooll. my god. look at this
















it was fun though..
then went back for a bit of ice cream b4 uncle danny sent us home.. whee
me and sister stayed up really late to watch ella enchanted. slept at like 3am..
aftereffect.. woke at at like 12.30pm today. ewww
well watched a movie again today..
continuation of ella enchanted..
ahh sucha touching story.. how love overcomes everything.
ok then did my poa correction. tsk spent 3 whole hours on it. how terrible. keep losing concentration..
watched charlie's angel just now and now im here blogging away.
schools starting again tml. how quickly time flies. its scary.. am i looking forward to the new term?
i dunno.. i just wanna curl up and die.


i'm dissapointed in myself.. i was doing fine the whole day.. then as the day was ending i start being a wimp.
why? why cant i just hang on? why do i have to give in to my feelings all the time? whats my problem?
why do i let him control me so much? i feel we'r drifting.. as friends. but yet is that a fair accusation? am i just being too sensitive as always? why do i have to be so spoilt in this specific area? when the spark stricked i smiled so wide. then realized there really isnt anything to smile about.. silence in between.. fuckitfuckitfuckit.
the only thing that's gonna make me wake up tml is the hope that there will the a cure in school for this crisis

i'm feeling like shit. trust me la. noone understands the feeling. TSK. not their fault.

MOVING ON


friday
wanted to go black canyon at bukittimah for lunch. but LOL as we drove to the carpark we realized it closed down!! bummer. haha so we headed to holland village instead..
had lunch at tcc. the food was grreeeat!! had so much fun talking and crapping with mummy. then we walked along the market. ( there are all sorts of thailand siam-market type stalls set up already la!!) mummy bought 2 pairs of shoes, and handbag, and one necklace for her us trip .
the assistant called me mummy's secretary. HAH like hello?? i'm still young. heres how it went.
scenerio 1
mummys fone ringing
sarah: MUMMY! your fones ringing!!! answer answer answer!
mummy: ya ok.
storeassistant: haha. your daughters like your secretary huh.. so helpful

like duh the fones ringing. i cant keep ignoring it right. the poor person on the line waiting for my dearest mummy to pick up.
scenerio 2
i put the parking coupon for mummy in the car so i took note of the time and that the coupon was gonna expire soon. so...
sarah: mummy!! we gotta go!! the coupons expiring!! later kana fine!!!
mummy: oh!! okok let me finish trying my shoes first.
sister: mummy quuiiicck
storeassistant: haha your daughters really your secretary. sniggersnigger.
like wadever man
scenerio 3
the lady asked mummy to fill up a feedback form.. but i like fillin these kinda things. so i took the paper
mummy: there sarah. you like doing these things.
sarah: yupyup. pen please!! *assistant passes me an almost empty g-1 blue pen. tsk so hard to write*
as i write assistant keeps looking. then finally says
assistant: qualities of a secretary. *beams at me*
WTF.
ok i do not like to be called a secretary to my mother. it sounds so old!! like hello?? i'm just doing my duty as my mothers daughter.
ps: since i was a bit angry with the assistant. i wrote in the feedback form. no fans on. very very hot. wahahahahahaaaa


ok then we went to da-pao crabs to go kongkongs house to eat.. watched singapore idol then the 9`0clock show.. came home.. msn-ed abit then slept..

saturday
woke up late. so plans to go sentosa were cancelled (: yay. like finally my skin has the chance to heal.
so then mummy brought us for lunch at some bishan foodcourt.. then went to alter her dress, change some us currency.. then went to activate her e-mail and mms. after that went to yiyi's office..
omg. its sucha nice place!! everything is sooo expensive!! like a statue which i cant appreciate costs $8000 odd. and then some paintings which i swear i can do myself are sold for like $4200?
yea i'm telling i can do the same thing. its just different coloured stripes all down the painting!!
ok maybe i cant appreciate it.
then one hands-on master piece with real crystals cost a whooping $6000 + ok that i want... so cool la!! real crystals!! ok i'll upload the picture

















this is the crystal thing.
















see the oh-so beautiful crytals!!


yea.. so my future husband has to buy that for me (; nah. haha! no obligations!! though i'll love you universe-loads!!
k then mummy brought us for tea..
then we did some supermarketing and i bought my jolly shandy!!
mel called.. wanted to come over for study (: i'm glad she did. was missing her so much
so met her outside the guardhouse, then we bus-ed to j8, had longjohns , bought my ruler then home..
did my chi corrections while mel did her english and chem .
then at 9`0clock we watched the 9`0clock show .
after that we watched grease!!!!
that was great fun. mummy da-pao-ed macdonald for us. so it was supper + grease.
then went into the room, listened to 98.7fm and talked.. then fell asleep..
today woke up finshed chi-corrections, then cause mel felt abit sickly.. sent her out to take a cab



















MONKEY FACES!!!

i'v fixed the rumblers blog and my blog in one day!! great job!!
go visit!!


spent the day rotting at home..
yesterday went out with maylin..
bought my new puoch.. yay!
haha then had tution.. andrea's sourcing for poa tution for me. (:
k thats it for now

went to the zoo and sentosa with mummy and sister yesterday.
and i leanred steve irwi's dead!!! wtf!

here's a tribute to him











he got stung by a stingray. known to be a gentle and almost harmless creature, this came in as a shock to me. i enjoyed watching his shows on his encounters with crocs and snakes.. but who would have thought the sting of a stingray could take away the life of one of the most coolest and hottest animal hunter??
STEVE IRWIN MAY YOU REST IN PEACE.
to make this even creepier, i visited the zoo on the same day he died from an animal encounter. tsk.


ok well. gonna be uploading pics of my wonderful zoo+sentosa yesterday.
we set off early in the morning














me and sister (hannah) outside the zoo!!















me and sis with otters


















zebras!!!! look at how perfectly their stripes are even on their butt!




















giraffes. beyooottiful



















how can i leave my most loved cows !!!!

















thats mating tortoises. they were moaning so loudly i swear!!



















look at how similar we are!!!




















ben and jerry!!!! cowwwww




















how adorable (:























me and mummy at siloso beach. sentosa















































SILOSO!!




















wahaha!!! loved it!

















last picture of the day. mooacks!




enjoyed myself thourougly

excuse me while i start blabbing about my personal problems. ignore this post if you want to. no obligations.


i need to go to paris. no wait. thats the lovers paradise.

all these six months i'v been suffering. and noone understands.
or more like noone bothers to understand.
the more i think of it, the more my tears build up. to avoid the feelings, i keep myself busy. but there isnt much to do. all i need is one freaking free second to myself and my mind starts wandering again. my mind builds up images that i wish would take place. my heart aches the moment i realize its impossible.



I NEED TO GO FOR A LONG VACATION TO SOMEWHERE SO I CAN ERASE MY MEMORY. ANYONE INTRESTED? CONTACT ME!!!

shorter and more possible goals.. anyone willing to go out with me this holiday. contact me pls. its completely urgent. i promise to make it as fun as possible