skipped school today.
my eyes are swollen la.. painful very much!
)=





iv never felt so weak before.
iv never felt the whle world collaspe on me so hard before.
after all thats happened. iv come to a conclusion that this is the hardest period for me.
now no matter how i turn my focus to my studies. images of the recent past keeps bombarding me with regret and hate.
maybe we'r not matured enough. maybe we plunged into it too fast.
honestly speaking i have been having doubts since the first day the drama started.
i never imagined things would really move so fast.
though i felt blissful, i knew i wasnt going to last.
last night as jeremy and i talked about this topic, all i could feel was regret and remource.
what he said was so fucking damn true.
and once those words registered in my mind, i felt like the biggest fool on earth.
why did i agree to those doings? now that you dont even care anymore.
we agreed to make this last. but im wondering, why even start this when u yourself knew your werent ready for it?
that is what made me feel like throwing a dagger at you.
after jeremy shared this phrase with me, "would you rather choose the devils body or the angels face?"
that set me thining. wad was it you wanted?
ah im at complete loss now
all i wanna do is curdle up in my avoid all these thoughts.
iv decided its the worst thing to have relationships while studying.
im feeling like iv lost a part of myself that belonged to me.
everyday i put on a happy face. to fake a facade so i dont seem weak to people around me. truth is. this is something so hard to digest. its like a nightmare hauting me.
to pretend nothing has happened and to let go seems like something so impossible. how am i supposed to erase wad happned on those three occasions?
im sick of it.
now you my dear. im hurting for u. iv never seen you so moody before. really girl. i dont understand why you would want to inflict such pain on yourself. now from my point of view i can see whats happening so clearly. and thus come to a comclusion that realtionships at this age just causes more problems for us. girl i know your matured i know you sensible. therefore i urge you to pick youself up well. you'v gotta be strong. be thankful this is just the beginning girl. pray for him. lovers turning into friends. you know that phrase girl. you gotta face up to it. we are all immature. believe it or not. no matter how steady the relationship is. you must remember that we are still young. nothing lasts forever and you must have a mental reminder for that. relationships now are for you to feel for someone but not give your life up for the person. we are in our teen years and not even into our 2nd decade of our lives. if we upset ourselves with such things, how are we gonna move on? ponder about this girl

I HATE YOU
I HATE YOUR GUTS
I HATE ALL YOUR PROMISES (though their all gone la.)
I HATE YOUR THINKING
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WHO THE HELL DO U THINK YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!
@#$@^#^$%*^&(&*)(*)&(%^^$$%!##%$$#^
fuck it. why was i so dumb to try believing in the first place.
you killed a part of me asshole.

yours sincerly


so at first i thought it was me being dumb.
well now. iv dragged you under "no idea" and want you deleted and out of my fucking memory.
i dont know how to express the hate i have towards u. selfish dreamer. AH

monday
school was boring..
found out 409 will be taking the express math paper..
so that loads up on the stress i already have..
aseembly was some talk by mdm liews friend.. quite intresting actually.
failed poa test as usual.. 6/20 )=
after school went to study with ira,siti,ella,mel and ben.. haha cam whored more than anything else.
post the pictures next time..

tuesday

really sleepy today.
lessons were tiring.
went to heartland mall with maylin after school..
before that walked all the way to ben's block hoping for good lunch but found out the stall was closed.
wenyi and pooty came to meet us at heartland after that (=


why am i in sucha foul mood??

ps: MAYLIN AND WENYI

darlings.. i know u dont read blogs luh. haha but i'll feel more comfortable expressing wad i feel here.
sorry if i caused any misunderstanding these few days.
these havent exactly been the best days.
sorry to make u guys worry..
i know im being selfish.. but please just give me till the mid yrs arrive.
SORRY BABIES!

busybusybusy!

haha i forgot to add that im so sick now. AGAIN. nose is being a bitch and iv been sneezing the whole day!

someimtes i wonder why i even bother trying to patch things up.
im always willing to be there.
things become better but then perishes again.
everytime it gets better im filled with joy cause this is one of the friendships i invest alot of time in, which means i do treasure this friendship and assumed u did too.
sad it seems. but i am just some extra thing to you.
but girl if only you knew. how happy i am everytime we meet up or talk.
maybe u dont feel the same. but oh how i yearn for our friendship to stay sturdy.
why do all good things come to an end

ok unhappiness aside today.

im so downn!!

gah! shant elaborate )=

anyway HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY JEREMY TEO!!!

second post of the day..

iv got a feeling my life is at its low now.
nothing seems to excite me anymore.
my hearts always so tight and i find it so hard to breathe! am i like having asthma or something?
anyway, cousins are over at my place now.. and today, all of them [without the mc's waha] didnt wake up for school.. so the four of us are athome together.


anyway, theres just so much to worry for now..
iv seen generations of men letting woman down. its happening again.
i keep telling myself its just the minority and men arent all like this.
but how can i believe this theory when the men close to me constantly break their families hearts?
i went through it before and i know how painful it is. being a daughter or someone so irresponsible and selfish. someone who thinks his words suffice.
and now my hearts breaking all over again. this time not for myself. everytime i recieve new news, i cringe cos i cannot believe the kinda things he has done. maybe im in no position to judge, but in general, this is my view.
thinking of the both of you, i comepltely understand what your going through. maybe thats why iv been trying so hard to open ur locks.
though i know maybe its hard for me to do so to the smaller one.
but you, everytime i try to close up to you, you shun away. iv been pressurized to talk to you, or to understand and explain to you wad it is like. it is the right thing, and i find, with me telling you my experiance, it would at least comfort you a little. why do u keep running away from me?
i dont want any of these to strain the relationship we have now. it breaks my heart to see you like this u know? i want u to know i care.
theres someone to talk to and thats me. im here! i wanna help to make this more bearable.
iv been praying non-stop for you my dear, and i hope it helps, i know my tolerance level may not be high and that sometimes, you feel my coldness. but this change has been so sudden to me and i feel that im already trying my best to adjust.
now, everytime i recieve new news, i become so fed-up, and sometimes i just wanna shut it out. but being part of this unity, i know i cnt back out and stand aside. i wanna do my part, as a senior, as someone who can help.
theres so much for me to share, please help me lift this burden.

im ditching school again )= kinda good though haha. i getta skip mrs * lessons..
oh well.

yesterday back in school was kinda god cept for what happened in class.
we had to like sit on the floor the whole day cos form teacher said our classroom was too dirty. WTF. great back-to-class gift for me eh? oh well it turned out pretty fun.
haha so like after recess had chem. lol i walked from the chem lab back to class (each happens to be at oppisite sides of the level) a total of 4 times!! haha cos i keep forgetting my worksheets!
then chinese teacher din come so it was slack. and physics teacher din come oso!! so it was double slack! had so much fun with class girls!!
and thank u to all who let me copy physics!
rite then after school went towning with the whole group of darlings!!! its been a long time!
so much fun!
ooo but like on the bus as we were reaching fareast, some crazy guy boarded the bus and charged towards me!! he was like making wierd gestures with his hands everywhere and his eyes (which looked like they were gonna pop out) was opened so huge i could almost see his whole eyeball! then mayline quickly asked me to move and sit beside her. GAR scary-ness!!! i was shaking so bad cos this was the first time someone charged and i mean charged towards me. and i realized this actually is my misfortune. everytime im out with darlings, and we meet with this type of things, its always me coming face to face with it. )=
well then left for shooting and i fell sick again )= so mummy brought me to the doctor and he presented me with 2 days of mc!! which means this will be an ultralong weekend for me!!! WHOOOOO

so what can i say. i miss you terribly. but it doesnt seem to bother you does it? self centered selfish bastars. stop making me feel like this.

garrrr skipped school again today.
wierdly, after diligently popping tonnes of fever medicine into my mouth, my fever has yet to subside.
woke up this morning with a throbbing head and its not even a little better now.
fever keeps rising though not on the high side.

wheres my happy pill???